Bible Translations Someone Should Publish

Eddie Arthur of Kouya Chronicle links to a humorous post from Drayton Parslow, who lists some translations of the Bible that haven’t found it’s way into the market yet.

The Cynophobic Bible is written specially for people with an irrational fear of dogs. All canine references are replaced with badgers, in an attempt to make it dog-free. The passage where Jezebel comes to a nasty end is a classic.

The Andy Gray Bible is aimed specifically at male 50-something sports commentators. Designed to be light and easily portable, for climbing into high commentary positions, it consists only of the Epistles to Timothy.

The End-times Bible (2012 edition) is a new twist on the old Red-letter bibles. Any passages referring to the End of Things are highlighted in lurid colours in numerous different fonts.

The Kindle Fundamentalist Bible locks the Kindle’s electronics so you’ll never be able to read another book, ever. Some of them, after all, could be suspect.

The Embarrassed Christian’s Bible is designed to fit into a hollowed-out version of  “Being Jordan”, so people don’t look at you on trains like you’re odd or something.

The “As you Remember it Bible” is not something I really approve of. One of Eileen’s sidelines, it contains all those parts of the Bible that people “remember” but aren’t really there. All the people telling Noah that there won’t be a flood, the lines “God helps those who help themselves” and “sexual sins are worse than little ones like greed and anger”, the number (and names) of the 3 Wise Men, Mary Magdalene singing “I don’t know how to love him”, Mary riding a donkey to Bethlehem, the chariot race from Ben Hur, the “Beat groups playing a rock ‘n’ roll” in Nineveh, Noah’s whale. Not to mention that bit where everyone notices how white-skinned and blue-eyed Jesus is, and comments that he must take after his Father.  They’re all there, just as you remember them. And just as they weren’t. I hope Eileen is reading Rev 22:18 very carefully.

I wonder about adding the Westboro Baptist Church Bible where all references to the love of God are removed.


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