From Larknews (please note this is a satire site!):
GREENVILLE, S.C. — Cartoon actor SpongeBob Squarepants checked into an Exodus International program Wednesday, hoping to leave behind a life of homosexuality he now dubs “duplicitous and shameful.”
The celebrity sponge said through a spokesman that he intends to immerse himself in the Christ-centered program.
“For years, SpongeBob has struggled with his sexual identity,” said his spokesman, reading from a prepared statement. “He hopes to emerge from this program cleansed.”
Other gay children’s characters expressed disappointment. Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street told reporters SpongeBob is “denying who he is.”
“He’s setting us back fifty years,” Ernie said from his and Bert’s Upper West Side penthouse.
SpongeBob has said in past interviews that his sexual confusion began when he learned his parents were, like all sponges, hermaphroditic, switching gender roles throughout their life cycle.
“It was traumatizing,” he says. “It tore a big hole in my personality.”
The beloved yellow children’s character, who has gained fans because of his guilelessness, hopes to settle down with another sea creature once his show runs its course.
“When syndication kicks in, I can retire and start spawning, like a normal sponge,” he told Entertainment Weekly last April.
Hat Tip: Craig Adams at Commonplace Holiness